How to Deal When Someone In Your Family Is Voting for a Sentient Cheeto

First of all, I heard the phrase “sentient Cheeto” on one of my favorite podcasts, Call Your Girlfriend, and it became my favorite descriptor for Ivanka’s Dad (they also call him Ivanka’s Dad and it makes me really happy and I’m just gonna borrow these phrases from them).

One of my family members recently e-mailed the entire family and said that he is in the basket of deplorables (no one asked for his political views, by the way). Months ago, he sent out an e-mail saying how he supported Bernie and even though I voted for Hillary, I was proud of having so many Bernie supporters in the family. Now I’m completely confused how he went from supporting Bernie because of his view on the environment and universal healthcare, to saying he’d vote for someone who wants to get rid of the EPA and also basically delete Planned Parenthood off the face of the Earth! I suspect brainwashing.

Thankfully, the collective outrage that has come from the rest of my family has given me hope for the rest of the world. Though, some of them are voting for Jill Stein instead, which is a whole other splitting-the-vote problem that I can’t even get into right now because I’m too busy being glad that they aren’t voting for an orangutan in a suit.

Here are the best ways to cope with the fact that you’re related to someone voting for Donald Trump:

1. Wine.

Wine is the only thing that will get you through the next month and a half until Election Day. It’s TBD if we’re going to need wine to drown our sorrows or for celebrating after Election Day. Stay tuned.

2. Group message your other relatives and ask if you can disown them.

Haha! Joke’s on you, Grandpa. You can try to write me out of your will, but not before I write myself out of it and deny all relation.

3. Get adopted by a different family.

If you really want to anger this Trump voter, get adopted by a nice Mexican family.

4. Make a donation in their name to the Hillary Clinton campaign.

You’ll be doing good to offset their badness, plus it’ll piss them off that their name is attached to Clinton campaign. *cackle*

5. Go out and vote on November 8th.

At some point, you’re going to realize that you can’t change their mind no matter how much you try. The best thing you can do is register to vote and cast a ballot against the orangutan in a suit.

Seriously, everyone. Voting is one of the most important things you can do. Register to vote today and don’t forget to cast your ballot on November 8th (or earlier if you’re voting absentee).

Game of Thrones Workout

Winter is coming.

So what else is there to do but re-watch Game of Thrones? While you’re watching Littlefinger slowly take over Westeros and Sansa slowly becoming a badass, you’re gonna be doing a lot of sitting. Get your blood pumping with this Game of Thrones workout plan that I developed (while re-watching the show).

Opening credits: BURPEES THE WHOLE TIME (you’ve never noticed how long the opening credits are until you have to do burpees the whole time)

Whenever Tyrion is called “The Imp” or any other derogatory name: 20 crunches

When someone has sex: 15 lunches on each side (x2 if it’s incest)

Whenever you hear House words: 20 Russian Twists on each side

Gratuitous nudity: 20 bicycle kicks

Winter or summer are mentioned: 25 jumping jacks

Anyone dies: 20 squats

See The Wall: 60 second wall sit

I think the exercise will help with the depression of your favorite characters dying too. Endorphins will get you through George R.R. Martin’s writing.

And if you get through 6 seasons and do this work out for every episode, I can’t guarantee it…but you’ll probably look like this:

Why I Gave Up Caffeine and What Happened to My Body

My body is one of those bodies that reacts pretty violently to things. Bad smells give me a migraine. Humidity and heat give me a migraine (just gotta love those Midwest summers). My migraines sometimes make me nauseous and always make me sensitive to light. Lack of sleep gives me a migraine.

TL;DR: almost everything gives me a migraine. Except coffee. Sweet delicious dark juice of life. I want to ingest you in every form. Hot. Iced. Iced and blended. Black. With whip. Mocha. I want you French pressed, dripped, or freshly ground. Just. Get. In. My. Body.

Secret: The mugs are empty.
Secret: The mugs are empty.

The problem with my love for coffee is that my body doesn’t like it when I don’t have it. So on stressful days where I don’t have time to grab a cup of coffee or if we’re traveling and Starbucks is nowhere to be found, goddammit. Guess what happens? Yes! A migraine of the greatest proportions! I’ve vomited as a result of withdrawal from caffeine. It’s super brutal and probably painful for other people to watch. It’s certainly painful for me to live it.

So you can probably guess why I gave up caffeine. It clearly wasn’t making my life any better and the lack of it could turn a good day into an actual nightmare. (Truth: my mom actually made me give it up because she saw how my body reacted and I was just in denial about it and willing to continue down this destructive path)

The first few weeks of giving up caffeine were awful. I obviously got a migraine. I was sluggish and my brain felt cloudy. I didn’t know if I’d ever feel normal again and I just kept craving caffeine in any form. Soda, tea, chocolate, and of course, coffee. It didn’t help that my favorite place to hang out was a coffee shop.

Here’s what was happening to my body: my adrenal glands were suddenly without their jumpstart. They were trying to figure out how to work efficiently without the help of caffeine (you and me both, adrenal glands). So my mom found this supplement aptly named “Adrenal.” I took it a few times a day with meals and suddenly…I started to feel normal. I felt like a human being and that fog covering my brain was lifted. It took away my withdrawal migraines and I was sleeping easier. Oh yeah, caffeine definitely affects your sleep long term. So if when I gave it up, I started being able to fall asleep easier and faster and I stayed asleep longer.

Now it’s been about 5 years since I officially gave up caffeine. I’ve gotten back on the wagon a few times and fallen off (I was a dumb child and didn’t realize just how much caffeine was in black tea, oooh boy) and gotten the migraines again. As much as I love coffee and chai tea, I don’t let myself have it every day. If I have it a few days in a row and the day after I don’t have it, BOOM MIGRAINE. I can have the occasional coffee without consequences and I definitely do (I love me a Mexican mocha) and sometimes I just need a cup of coffee to poop while I’m traveling.

So what’s good about giving up caffeine? Well, for me it means fewer migraines. It also makes it a lot easier to wake up in the morning. I’m instantly awake now instead of fighting my alarm clock or wishing I could just fall back into bed. I can go to work without needing that “jolt” to get anything done. My body goes through a more natural circadian rhythm and I don’t get overly hyper. I’m calmer and more level headed. Overall, it was a good decision for my mom to make for me 😉

Of course, giving up caffeine was the best thing for my body. There are people out there that aren’t affected by withdrawal from caffeine (you lucky bastards) and there are people who just don’t want to go through the process of giving it up because they need it. That’s fine! You do you, squirrels.

The Loose Ends List Book Review

It’s been a long time since I’ve stayed up late reading for fun. In college, I stayed up reading novels I wasn’t interested in and highlighting print outs for my 8 AM the next day.

Since I graduated, I’ve been rereading the Outlander series for the third time because I was celebrating that I could read whatever I wanted. But since the books were so familiar to me, I didn’t feel the need to stay up to find out what happens next.

 

Enter: The Loose Ends List. I was intrigued by it because of the plot (and the pretty cover. Don’t judge me for judging books by their covers), which approaches death and saying good bye in a unique way. I was particularly interested in it because I recently lost a friend very suddenly and we didn’t get to say goodbye. I hoped that maybe I could find some sense of closure or comfort in a book so focused on death, but in a positive way.

Things You Need to Know About the NWHL Before the Second Season Starts

The National Women’s Hockey League (A.K.A. the coolest ladies you’ll ever meet) are about to start their second season. As we look forward to a new year of excitement and rooting for our favorite teams, we want to provide some information for those who maybe missed the first season and now they want to get into it. It’s not like a TV show where you have to go back and watch the previous episodes/games (though if you want to, you obviously can). But maybe you have some questions about America’s newest professional league that we can answer for you.

It was a pretty big year for women in all sports, especially with everything that just happened in the Olympics, but nothing was bigger than the beginning of the first professional hockey league for women in the United States. Before the Fab Five wowed us at the Olympics, there was the Fab Four: Boston Pride, Buffalo Beauts, New York Riveters, and the Connecticut Whales.

1. When did the league start?

It was established in 2015, making 2016 its second official season. It’s the first U.S. women’s hockey league to pay its players. Prior to the NWHL, the only choice for top-level women’s hockey in North America was Canada’s league, the CWHL, which is unpaid.

2. What are the teams?

Glad you asked. There are 4 teams in the NWHL (for now!). They are the Buffalo Beauts, Connecticut Whales, New York Riveters, and the Boston Pride. All of the teams are on the eastern part of the country, but don’t let that deter you from watching! You don’t have to just pick one team and only root for that one. There are only four, so you can definitely find the time to support them all, especially if you don’t live on the East Coast.

Buffalo Beauts