First of all, I heard the phrase “sentient Cheeto” on one of my favorite podcasts, Call Your Girlfriend, and it became my favorite descriptor for Ivanka’s Dad (they also call him Ivanka’s Dad and it makes me really happy and I’m just gonna borrow these phrases from them).
One of my family members recently e-mailed the entire family and said that he is in the basket of deplorables (no one asked for his political views, by the way). Months ago, he sent out an e-mail saying how he supported Bernie and even though I voted for Hillary, I was proud of having so many Bernie supporters in the family. Now I’m completely confused how he went from supporting Bernie because of his view on the environment and universal healthcare, to saying he’d vote for someone who wants to get rid of the EPA and also basically delete Planned Parenthood off the face of the Earth! I suspect brainwashing.
Thankfully, the collective outrage that has come from the rest of my family has given me hope for the rest of the world. Though, some of them are voting for Jill Stein instead, which is a whole other splitting-the-vote problem that I can’t even get into right now because I’m too busy being glad that they aren’t voting for an orangutan in a suit.
Here are the best ways to cope with the fact that you’re related to someone voting for Donald Trump:
Wine is the only thing that will get you through the next month and a half until Election Day. It’s TBD if we’re going to need wine to drown our sorrows or for celebrating after Election Day. Stay tuned.
2. Group message your other relatives and ask if you can disown them.
Haha! Joke’s on you, Grandpa. You can try to write me out of your will, but not before I write myself out of it and deny all relation.
3. Get adopted by a different family.
If you really want to anger this Trump voter, get adopted by a nice Mexican family.
4. Make a donation in their name to the Hillary Clinton campaign.
You’ll be doing good to offset their badness, plus it’ll piss them off that their name is attached to Clinton campaign. *cackle*
5. Go out and vote on November 8th.
At some point, you’re going to realize that you can’t change their mind no matter how much you try. The best thing you can do is register to vote and cast a ballot against the orangutan in a suit.
Seriously, everyone. Voting is one of the most important things you can do. Register to vote today and don’t forget to cast your ballot on November 8th (or earlier if you’re voting absentee).