How to Deal When Someone In Your Family Is Voting for a Sentient Cheeto

First of all, I heard the phrase “sentient Cheeto” on one of my favorite podcasts, Call Your Girlfriend, and it became my favorite descriptor for Ivanka’s Dad (they also call him Ivanka’s Dad and it makes me really happy and I’m just gonna borrow these phrases from them).

One of my family members recently e-mailed the entire family and said that he is in the basket of deplorables (no one asked for his political views, by the way). Months ago, he sent out an e-mail saying how he supported Bernie and even though I voted for Hillary, I was proud of having so many Bernie supporters in the family. Now I’m completely confused how he went from supporting Bernie because of his view on the environment and universal healthcare, to saying he’d vote for someone who wants to get rid of the EPA and also basically delete Planned Parenthood off the face of the Earth! I suspect brainwashing.

Thankfully, the collective outrage that has come from the rest of my family has given me hope for the rest of the world. Though, some of them are voting for Jill Stein instead, which is a whole other splitting-the-vote problem that I can’t even get into right now because I’m too busy being glad that they aren’t voting for an orangutan in a suit.

Here are the best ways to cope with the fact that you’re related to someone voting for Donald Trump:

1. Wine.

Wine is the only thing that will get you through the next month and a half until Election Day. It’s TBD if we’re going to need wine to drown our sorrows or for celebrating after Election Day. Stay tuned.

2. Group message your other relatives and ask if you can disown them.

Haha! Joke’s on you, Grandpa. You can try to write me out of your will, but not before I write myself out of it and deny all relation.

3. Get adopted by a different family.

If you really want to anger this Trump voter, get adopted by a nice Mexican family.

4. Make a donation in their name to the Hillary Clinton campaign.

You’ll be doing good to offset their badness, plus it’ll piss them off that their name is attached to Clinton campaign. *cackle*

5. Go out and vote on November 8th.

At some point, you’re going to realize that you can’t change their mind no matter how much you try. The best thing you can do is register to vote and cast a ballot against the orangutan in a suit.

Seriously, everyone. Voting is one of the most important things you can do. Register to vote today and don’t forget to cast your ballot on November 8th (or earlier if you’re voting absentee).

Game of Thrones Workout

Winter is coming.

So what else is there to do but re-watch Game of Thrones? While you’re watching Littlefinger slowly take over Westeros and Sansa slowly becoming a badass, you’re gonna be doing a lot of sitting. Get your blood pumping with this Game of Thrones workout plan that I developed (while re-watching the show).

Opening credits: BURPEES THE WHOLE TIME (you’ve never noticed how long the opening credits are until you have to do burpees the whole time)

Whenever Tyrion is called “The Imp” or any other derogatory name: 20 crunches

When someone has sex: 15 lunches on each side (x2 if it’s incest)

Whenever you hear House words: 20 Russian Twists on each side

Gratuitous nudity: 20 bicycle kicks

Winter or summer are mentioned: 25 jumping jacks

Anyone dies: 20 squats

See The Wall: 60 second wall sit

I think the exercise will help with the depression of your favorite characters dying too. Endorphins will get you through George R.R. Martin’s writing.

And if you get through 6 seasons and do this work out for every episode, I can’t guarantee it…but you’ll probably look like this:

Why I Gave Up Caffeine and What Happened to My Body

My body is one of those bodies that reacts pretty violently to things. Bad smells give me a migraine. Humidity and heat give me a migraine (just gotta love those Midwest summers). My migraines sometimes make me nauseous and always make me sensitive to light. Lack of sleep gives me a migraine.

TL;DR: almost everything gives me a migraine. Except coffee. Sweet delicious dark juice of life. I want to ingest you in every form. Hot. Iced. Iced and blended. Black. With whip. Mocha. I want you French pressed, dripped, or freshly ground. Just. Get. In. My. Body.

Secret: The mugs are empty.
Secret: The mugs are empty.

The problem with my love for coffee is that my body doesn’t like it when I don’t have it. So on stressful days where I don’t have time to grab a cup of coffee or if we’re traveling and Starbucks is nowhere to be found, goddammit. Guess what happens? Yes! A migraine of the greatest proportions! I’ve vomited as a result of withdrawal from caffeine. It’s super brutal and probably painful for other people to watch. It’s certainly painful for me to live it.

So you can probably guess why I gave up caffeine. It clearly wasn’t making my life any better and the lack of it could turn a good day into an actual nightmare. (Truth: my mom actually made me give it up because she saw how my body reacted and I was just in denial about it and willing to continue down this destructive path)

The first few weeks of giving up caffeine were awful. I obviously got a migraine. I was sluggish and my brain felt cloudy. I didn’t know if I’d ever feel normal again and I just kept craving caffeine in any form. Soda, tea, chocolate, and of course, coffee. It didn’t help that my favorite place to hang out was a coffee shop.

Here’s what was happening to my body: my adrenal glands were suddenly without their jumpstart. They were trying to figure out how to work efficiently without the help of caffeine (you and me both, adrenal glands). So my mom found this supplement aptly named “Adrenal.” I took it a few times a day with meals and suddenly…I started to feel normal. I felt like a human being and that fog covering my brain was lifted. It took away my withdrawal migraines and I was sleeping easier. Oh yeah, caffeine definitely affects your sleep long term. So if when I gave it up, I started being able to fall asleep easier and faster and I stayed asleep longer.

Now it’s been about 5 years since I officially gave up caffeine. I’ve gotten back on the wagon a few times and fallen off (I was a dumb child and didn’t realize just how much caffeine was in black tea, oooh boy) and gotten the migraines again. As much as I love coffee and chai tea, I don’t let myself have it every day. If I have it a few days in a row and the day after I don’t have it, BOOM MIGRAINE. I can have the occasional coffee without consequences and I definitely do (I love me a Mexican mocha) and sometimes I just need a cup of coffee to poop while I’m traveling.

So what’s good about giving up caffeine? Well, for me it means fewer migraines. It also makes it a lot easier to wake up in the morning. I’m instantly awake now instead of fighting my alarm clock or wishing I could just fall back into bed. I can go to work without needing that “jolt” to get anything done. My body goes through a more natural circadian rhythm and I don’t get overly hyper. I’m calmer and more level headed. Overall, it was a good decision for my mom to make for me 😉

Of course, giving up caffeine was the best thing for my body. There are people out there that aren’t affected by withdrawal from caffeine (you lucky bastards) and there are people who just don’t want to go through the process of giving it up because they need it. That’s fine! You do you, squirrels.

The Loose Ends List Book Review

It’s been a long time since I’ve stayed up late reading for fun. In college, I stayed up reading novels I wasn’t interested in and highlighting print outs for my 8 AM the next day.

Since I graduated, I’ve been rereading the Outlander series for the third time because I was celebrating that I could read whatever I wanted. But since the books were so familiar to me, I didn’t feel the need to stay up to find out what happens next.

 

Enter: The Loose Ends List. I was intrigued by it because of the plot (and the pretty cover. Don’t judge me for judging books by their covers), which approaches death and saying good bye in a unique way. I was particularly interested in it because I recently lost a friend very suddenly and we didn’t get to say goodbye. I hoped that maybe I could find some sense of closure or comfort in a book so focused on death, but in a positive way.

Things You Need to Know About the NWHL Before the Second Season Starts

The National Women’s Hockey League (A.K.A. the coolest ladies you’ll ever meet) are about to start their second season. As we look forward to a new year of excitement and rooting for our favorite teams, we want to provide some information for those who maybe missed the first season and now they want to get into it. It’s not like a TV show where you have to go back and watch the previous episodes/games (though if you want to, you obviously can). But maybe you have some questions about America’s newest professional league that we can answer for you.

It was a pretty big year for women in all sports, especially with everything that just happened in the Olympics, but nothing was bigger than the beginning of the first professional hockey league for women in the United States. Before the Fab Five wowed us at the Olympics, there was the Fab Four: Boston Pride, Buffalo Beauts, New York Riveters, and the Connecticut Whales.

1. When did the league start?

It was established in 2015, making 2016 its second official season. It’s the first U.S. women’s hockey league to pay its players. Prior to the NWHL, the only choice for top-level women’s hockey in North America was Canada’s league, the CWHL, which is unpaid.

2. What are the teams?

Glad you asked. There are 4 teams in the NWHL (for now!). They are the Buffalo Beauts, Connecticut Whales, New York Riveters, and the Boston Pride. All of the teams are on the eastern part of the country, but don’t let that deter you from watching! You don’t have to just pick one team and only root for that one. There are only four, so you can definitely find the time to support them all, especially if you don’t live on the East Coast.

Buffalo Beauts

#GIRLBOSS Book Review

I’m one of those heinous people who always did well in school. I was basically Hermione, but only until middle school when I realized there was a minimum amount of effort I had to expend in order to get an A or a high B. Suddenly I wasn’t an over achiever anymore. I wasn’t valedictorian in high school, but I did have a medal for graduating with a GPA over 4.0. I was good, but not the best. And I think I could’ve been the best, or at least better than I was, if I had just used a little bit of that extra energy.

I’m telling you this not-so-humble information, because I read #GIRLBOSS this week and it was incredibly inspiring for me. Sophia Amoruso, the author and founder of Nasty Gal, started with basically nothing but $50 and an instinct for customer service and common sense. She didn’t graduate college, she didn’t find school as easy as I did, and she’s so successful!

She’s so successful because she put the work in. Her company wasn’t given to her. She made it happen and she worked hard to make it.

This is Seriously the Cutest Video Series: Kids’ Advice on Dating

If you need to smile a little bit as the week winds down, check out this adorable video series “Kids On.” Even if you don’t really like kids, you’ll absolutely love the hilarious things these kids say.

The series starts with this adorableness that actually includes the advice, “get drunk” and kind of put your eyebrows down a little when you say “hey, want a drink?” These kids actually say the darnedest things. As cute as it all is, it’s making me glad that I’m an adult.

Episode 1: How to Approach Someone Across the Bar

Episode 2: How Long Do You Wait to Call?

It could be anytime from 2 days to a week.

 

Episode 3: Text or Call?

Don’t forget the winky face.

 

There are about 6 episodes. Go watch all of them!

How to Host a Game Night

#settlersofcatan

A photo posted by Sara (@saratheintrovert) on

  1. Invite all of your friends over.
  2. Set up Settlers of Catan.
  3. Argue about the last time you played.
  4. Carry over any grudges you had from any previous game no matter how far back in time it was.
  5. Someone will inevitably cut someone else off in the initial settling process. The victim will then refuse to trade with the offending party through out the entire game just out of spite.
  6. That one friend you have that seems to always win will win.
  7. At least two players will get mad.
  8. 2-3 players will discuss how close they were to winning, and if the game had just gone on for 6 more rounds they would’ve smoked everyone else or if a 7 hadn’t been rolled that one time the game would’ve been won 20 minutes ago.
  9. Someone will get called a bitch at least once.
  10. New grudges are formed and cemented for future games.
  11. Someone says “Anyone want to play again?”
  12. Repeat.

Review of “The Martian” (Book and Movie)

I didn’t know anything about The Martian before I saw it in theaters. I just thought the trailer looked cool and who doesn’t love Matt Damon? I had no idea it was a book. I had no idea the science was realistic and I had no idea that it would be as funny as it was.

But it turns out that no one really knew that because the book publishing deal and the movie deal came within a week of each other. It’s a really interesting scenario for a book to movie adaptation, because most people didn’t know the book existed until they heard of or saw the movie. Therefore, instead of having their own personal views of who Mark Watney is, Matt Damon is our Mark Watney. And he does a really great job.

One of the cool things about The Martian (the book) is that Andy Weir released it on his blog just for fun and then people asked for him to make it downloadable on Amazon. So he did, at the lowest possible cost of $0.99. He made the book as scientifically accurate as possible. The only really big inaccuracy is the wind storms on Mars. The atmosphere is too thin for wind storms to actually be that strong; however, Weir needed something to go wrong and move the plot along.

Even though it made me crack up a lot, it probably shouldn’t have been a candidate for a Golden Globe Best Comedy. Just saying.

Review of “The Last Five Years”

I watched The Last Five Years the first time purely because it had my girl Anna Kendrick in it. I knew absolutely nothing about it except that she was in it.

I didn’t know that it was a musical or based on a play. I didn’t know that it would make me want to cry or even that I would want to watch it again. However, as soon as Anna Kendrick started singing, I was like:

Oh yes, this was gonna be great. Because her voice was literally music to my ears.

Here’s a quick summary of the movie without giving away a lot of spoilers: